Sugar Crash
by Laurie Bunter
Summary: A bribe, a waiver, and a sack full of candy. Yachiru's going to wreck more havoc than a filler arc villain. It's all going to end in tears.


sensory prompt suggested by i_ve_landed: Strawberry Hi-Chew, Yachiru and unsuspecting victim. Although there's more than one victim in this scenario; I couldn't help it! :D

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite. Strawberry Hi-Chew is manufactured by Morinaga.

* * *

**Sugar Crash**

by Laurie Bunter

* * *

Thoughts were bouncing inside her head like so many balloons flying off into the mid-afternoon sky. Balloons, maybe, or balls. Something akin to a dozen tennis balls being kept in the air by a master juggler, a man working his way through a roomful of rocking chairs set off by a jumpy cat. Her thoughts were trapped inside her head, waiting for the right surface to bounce them into orbit.

Her similes were getting mixed but one thing was for sure: Yachiru wasn't going to hit the ground any time soon.

Yachiru liked this candy. She _really_ liked this candy. How could she have spent so many years ignorant of this candy's existence? It was as if she had misspent half of her afterlife without it within reach. But Yachiru couldn't cry right now for all that wasted time, she was too damn happy right now.

Nothing quite tasted like it. Not real strawberries, which she didn't like as a rule because Real Fruit was Evil. The only fruit Yachiru didn't mind was watermelon during the summer, simply because it was so nice to smash them up using any zanpakutou waylaid by its owner. Zabimaru was always an easy target…

Going back to the candy, though. It didn't taste like Fruitella or Starburst. Konpetito? Of course not. That was now like an outgrown toy, abandoned for the dust mites under a cobwebby bed.

Yachiru couldn't help but smack her lips. Strawberry Hi-Chew kept tricking her taste buds every time. When she first popped it in her mouth, it had the feel of gum. But it was so soft, so chewy, it did not offer any resistance against her milk teeth. Yet it was not gum, so she couldn't chew it forever! The flavor and sweetness always dissolved against her tongue before she was ready to swallow. Thus, she had to have just one more piece, just one more…

That was twenty rolls ago.

* * *

Yachiru's eyes were greedy when she saw it the package that stood taller than herself. "You promised me candy last week, Byakushi! Is this it? Is this it?!"

"And candy you shall have," Byakuya Kuchiki said, watching her. "But there are conditions."

Yachiru nodded solemnly. She knew a bribe would be offered, the moment she got the curt summons to appear at the Kuchiki mansion. She listened to the proposition.

The captain of the sixth company went on. "In exchange for the goods, you must promise me not to gate-crash the meeting of the clans this weekend. The damage you inflicted in the china room was irreparable, and Captain Soifon's eyebrows have yet to grow back."

"I didn't gate-crash your stupid meeting!" Yachiru was indignant. "Rukia-chan invited me, she said I was in charge of entertainment! All your guests were half-asleep before I arrived."

The two shinigamis glared at each other. Byakuya was affronted by the insinuations that his parties bored everyone to tears. Yachiru wasn't particularly offended, except Ken-chan taught her not to stand down if she could score coolness points by staring.

"The candy is yours," Byakuya finally blinked first, his eyes watering. And then he remembered something. "But first, sign this."

He waved two legal documents in front of her. The first one was an agreement to stay five hundred meters away from his property while she was eating the stuff. The second one was much longer: it was a waiver. It stated that Yachiru was responsible for all of her actions during the duration of the candy's consumption and that the Kuchiki clan was not responsible for any damages.

A thin smile of relief graced his face the moment the tiny vice-captain was escorted off the premises. The sack of goodies was slung around her back without help. "Lock all the access gates," he reminded the servants. "I'll handle the anti-intruder devices myself. No mistakes in the kidou this time." He was loathe to accuse his sister of sabotage, but still…

Byakuya hoped that the candy was sufficient enough for Yachiru never to return. But he knew she would come back. She always came back. It was her little game.

Captain Kuchiki shrugged. At least he was rich enough to afford the premium on his accident insurance, unlike _some_ people he knew.

* * *

Since she happily scrawled her name on his stupid papers, Yachiru knew better than to bother Byakushi again. Besides, the last time she tried to force-feed him candy, it had only ended in tears.

Really, it wasn't her fault that Captain Hitsugaya tried to play peacemaker and lost!

_Okay,_ she thought, her heart pumping so fast it was fit to burst from sheer joy. _Since Byakushi was generous, I'll be generous too. Fair is only fair! Maybe I'll share it with the first person who speaks nicely to me... here's to getting everyone's attention, then!_

She didn't have to wait long. As she started to bounce through Soul Society, off the walls, through back doors, and into the private recesses of various barracks and offices, shrieks of terror and forced chuckles rang through her ears. Yachiru saw pretty stars and multiple light bulbs flashing through her head, as one inspired idea gave birth to another, and she lay waste to whatever captured her fancy for more than a minute.

Shunpo was such a useful trick for an extended bout of tag! Everyone else in Soul Society was "it."

Boy, will Omaeda be surprised later when he wakes up from his nap and find out he looks better with rainbow tattoos on both cheeks? He'll look just like Shuuhei.

And won't Ukitake appreciate the leather dog collar she managed to fasten around his neck at breakneck speed? Now his third seats would be able to keep track of his whereabouts _all the time._

Of course, it was only right to trap Mayuri under a massive flowerpot, no decent captain should ooze into the ladies' side of the public baths undetected, and he merely got what he deserved...

Yachiru was simply too fast for them. And when she wasn't, she excelled at ignoring curses yelled in her direction. She was taught by the best.

"Vice Captain Yachiru-san?"

"Go away, I'm busy," she frowned. She felt for the portable stash of Strawberry Hi-Chew secured at her waist, just like a junkie makes sure his next fix is in arm's reach. Yachiru was comforted.

"But Vice-Captain Yachiru-san…"

She turned her head slightly, irritated at being interrupted midway through her latest endeavor: rummaging through Captain Shunsui's secret trunk of women's clothing.

"I was sent by my division," the skinny young man said. He was visibly quaking in his sandals. There were a couple more men from the fourth, but he was the only officer. "My name is Hanatarou. I am here to sedate you. Captain Unohana is on the way. You need to stop eating that poison…"

"What?!" The veins in her forehead almost popped out. "That's really mean of you! And here I was planning to share some with the first person who talked to me."

"There have been complaints, vice-captain, I'm sorry I have to…" The men behind him were tense, muttering some stupid spell in unison. She noticed they all seemed to have tiny, newly healed nicks on their arms.

"Stop that!" As soon as Yachiru was distracted, Hanatarou made his move.

It was a huge miscalculation on his part.

She was caught unaware by the sudden thrust of his fully-charged zanpakutou. While its thin blade was sharp, it didn't even scratch the surface of her skin.

Her pink cheeks glowered with outrage.

What use were weapons, when she had candy? Yachiru popped in another piece and gulped it down. "You shouldn't have done that!"

Hanatarou's eyes widened with crazed fear.

Groans of fierce fighting thundered throughout the eighth division.

"Stop, stop!" Vice-captain Nanao finally burst into the fray, waving a thick book like a shield from the chaos. "Yachiru-chan! The captain's -- I mean, _my_ precious kimonos…. Waah!"

With a bang and a clatter, Captain Unohana was finally in possession of the floor, her face expressionless as she surveyed the damage.

* * *

As she heard the distant rumble of voices at the back of her eyelids, Yachiru giggled to herself. Her eyes were closed, but she recognized the drawl of Captain Lazybones, who was intensely irritated about something, the steely alto of Unohana, and the curt, slightly defensive replies of Byakushi.

"Be quiet, there are injured people sleeping!" Yumichika shushed her from his vantage point by the door. "This is all your fault."

Yachiru had no reply except to stick out her tongue in disdain. As far as she was concerned, she was innocent. That Hanatarou guy hit her first. Ken-chan always told her not to go easy on anyone who hit first!

Her bed was empty. She preferred to snuggle against Ken-chan's meaty shoulder. He didn't say anything, but there was an unreadable glimmer in both of his eyes. Ken-chan wasn't wearing his eye-patch for once, because she had peeled it off his head and wore it herself. Ken-chan never told her it would tickle her eyebrow.

Besides, the eye-patch worked much better than the the energy-draining force field that the Fourth Division captain personally prepared for her.

The voices in the hallway volleyed back and forth, and she lost all interest in distinguishing their words.

Yachiru knew Byakushi was trying to extricate himself from this one, but Unohana wouldn't allow that! She already knew how this would all end.

Captain Mom didn't believe in stupid waivers either.

* * *

_- finis _-

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_Edited 3/6/10**: **_Many thanks to vesperh for pointing out all the typos. XD


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